"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm" - George Orwell

Saturday, January 26, 2013

So here we are. (The end)

My sweet bride of 32 years passed on to be with the Lord last evening at 5:55 p.m. I will post a few details later but let me say that she saw the angels dance and we were able to witness God's power and mercy.

To sweet Jennifer. I saw your comment with the link to the youtube video . Mary loved it. She was third generation Irish so it went very deep in her heart.

To all of you that have read this dark journey of ours, I thank you for your prayers and comments. Once again I say they all went to my heart and made me stronger.

My sister is coming in from Germany tomorrow and my dad from Louisiana.Another blessing on my house. I will elaborate more on the angel dance later, but for now I think I'm going to let the blog rest for a while.

Be kind to each other.


Monday, January 21, 2013

So here we are. (part 2)

I am truly sorry I have not responded to your comments on my last post. Please believe I have read every one and have placed them in my heart to help my strength.

Shortly after I posted Mary fell as she tried to lay in bed. I called her oncologist and he said to get her admitted to the hospital. I'll spare the details. They are mine too keep. She did tell me late Saturday night that she was tired of fighting.and just wanted to sleep. That's when I quit fighting and finally accepted the course the bastard disease was going to take us.

She is now in home hospice. And I find my self in charge of her pain level with plenty of morphine to keep her comfortable. The grandchildren came to visit her tonight This was such a good thing! They were finally told how sick she was by their parents. Something I  would never wish on my children. They came in and saw that she had not turned into a zombie, or grown green skin and antennae. When she told them to go find a snack in the kitchen. They knew she was there and they relaxed.

So here I sit in the dark of the living room listening to the hiss of her oxygen machine knowing that her oncologist said 'Just a few days.' My lady has class and dignity and a very stubborn Irish streak. It shows in her face when she is sleeping. She is beautiful. And I know that is the way she will go.

I finally have the peace she has and I will be holding her hand when it's over. Hospice is an awesome system and I am glad we have them.

A P.S. I have seen Grace and know what it means.

Friday, January 18, 2013

So here we are.

Everyone has told me to call them if we need anything, day or night. Tell me the truth. Who really wants me to call them at 1:30 in the morning when my wife is freaking out because she lost the lid to her drinking glass, which is sitting next to her bottle of water, and she's really talking about the lid to her water bottle and the lid is on it. Trying to convince her that the lid is there and she keeps point to the glass saying 'No it's not'.

All I could do was go outside and smoke until I felt like I wouldn't start crying. I could have used a hug. I went through my list of people I could call and there was no one I would have put that burden on. Including my dad.

She has not eaten anything substantial in a week. And doesn't have enough strength to get out of bed. Fortunately our daughter has a background as a CNA.

I'm wishing I could really find the words to describe the absolute isolation I felt.

Enough of this. The sun is up. It's another day. One day at a time. Right?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I have started this post 2 or 3 times now...

It has not been a good time at our house. Despite flu shots we have both been sick for two and 1/2 weeks. Not flu but might as well have been. With Mary's chemo I was really concerned. But we made it through.

Last Monday she had an unscheduled PET scan. On Tuesday they canceled her Chemo treatment and scheduled a meeting with the doctor on Friday.

I don't need to draw pictures for the adults here so I will just say that if our new insurance (good timing Walmart) won't pay for chemo, we are done.

32 years knowing the most loving, kindest woman and we are down to 3 to 6 months. That's all I have. I am tired. She is tired. I've got nothing else.