"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm" - George Orwell

Friday, January 18, 2013

So here we are.

Everyone has told me to call them if we need anything, day or night. Tell me the truth. Who really wants me to call them at 1:30 in the morning when my wife is freaking out because she lost the lid to her drinking glass, which is sitting next to her bottle of water, and she's really talking about the lid to her water bottle and the lid is on it. Trying to convince her that the lid is there and she keeps point to the glass saying 'No it's not'.

All I could do was go outside and smoke until I felt like I wouldn't start crying. I could have used a hug. I went through my list of people I could call and there was no one I would have put that burden on. Including my dad.

She has not eaten anything substantial in a week. And doesn't have enough strength to get out of bed. Fortunately our daughter has a background as a CNA.

I'm wishing I could really find the words to describe the absolute isolation I felt.

Enough of this. The sun is up. It's another day. One day at a time. Right?


  1. I'm so sorry y'all are having to go through this.
    As to calling at 1:30, if I were a close friend reading this, I would be hurt. Do you really think none of your friends would gladly give up a night's sleep to help you? please give your friends a chance to help you.
    When people say, "call me if you need anything" they mean it, but they don't know what you need. Please guide them to help you. For instance, it might not be enough of a hint to tell someone, "We're not eating right because it seems we don't have time to cook." Try, "Do you think you could make us a couple of meals that we could pop in the microwave when hunger strikes?
    I'll bet you would be amazed at the result.
    It's not a shame to get help from others when you need it. The shame is not reaching out when you need to.
    Best of luck to y'all.


  2. I agree! My wife and I are AMAZED and HUMBLED when friends ask us for help. To know a friend is in need and they didn't feel that they could come to us, THAT feels like a massive failure on our part.

  3. I have been called at all hours. 3am being the one that holds the memory of me grabbing my clothes and heading out the door. This was done for someone I had merely met on the phone - once - and I said I'd be there if needed.

    The speed that this is happening has me astonished. And it has you scared out of your mind for what the next moment holds.

    I am SO sorry. This is unacceptable and intolerable. I feel for your sweet wife. I feel for you. I fear for all of you.

  4. As a former EMT, I will tell you that you need that emotional release of talking to someone else. Otherwise all your fears and all of your anxiety will hurt you as well as her.

    Call someone when you need to, your mind and your soul needs to let it out, and you need the friendly voice in your ear.

    My prayers continue.

  5. I have only read your blog a few times, but the heartache this brings is undeniable. My job requires my husband and I to be on call 24/7 so we sleep with our phones by our bed. If you need to talk to anyone and you think it might help to talk to a stranger, please, please call 541.891.0934 or 541.891.0954. I have been praying for you as I read. This is my fear, losing my husband who is my completion just as your wife is yours. My husband is healthy, I just worry. Will continue praying for you and yours.

  6. I am so sorry you have to go through this. No one should. Prayers continue. If I could hug you through the internet, I would.

  7. Rick, I cannot physically be there for you but I am here. Call me. I know the time difference can be difficult but if it is 1:30 am there it is 8:30 am here. My heart breaks for you as I know how difficult it is when the one you love has hallucinations and you cannot help. My thoughts, prayers, love and hugs are with you.

  8. So sorry - I went through this with my Dad. She doesn't realize what you can see. Please, please reach out to your friends. This is what friends do. They share your sorrows and your joys. Sometimes just having a friend sit next to you makes it easier. You are not alone.
    We will continue to pray for you, your wife and your family. May God bless all.

    Phyllis (N/W Jersey)

  9. Coolchange,

    I have not been through what you are experiencing now but we've had our own brush with cancer. In 2010, my wife was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. 18 months later, she was pronounced clear.

    Who wants to be called in the middle of the night; few people.

    Who is willing to be called in the middle of the night; someone who has been there.

    If you need/want someone to call in the middle of the night, email me and I'll provide my cell phone number.